Summer 2019

OMG…did I tell you what happened…

Memorial day weekend.

Unofficial start to the summer of 2019.

To be honest, the last 3 summers have absolutely sucked. Weather has been horrible, same ol’shit going on around me. I am bored outta my mind.

For the last 5 years I’ve been slowly breaking out of routines & thought patterns I’ve had my entire life. I keep finding that patterns I’ve been living for decades, truly no longer work for me. It’s a brilliant awakening. And probably one of the hardest to adjust to because I, always revert to what’s comfortable & familiar to me. I am a creature of habit. But most of those habits are no longer serving me.

Transformation begins with first recognizing a change is required. So here I am, recognising. And here we go again, more change.

I have to readjuste my thinking patterns on a regular basis. It’s hard. I’ve been taking small steps. Changing my routines, adding new ones I’m comfortable with. But true change can not take place until you face fear & conquer. Working on it.

One thing I want to acknowledge, I am so very lucky I am capable of doing exactly what I want. Truly blessed. No better foundation to build on.

#grateful

Creating a life I love.

Written not waiting for Friday, or summer…

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Tricky thing, self perception

OMG…did I tell you what happened…

I read somewhere that you can’t experience real change until you admit to your own bullshit or something like that. It’s true. If you can’t admit things about yourself to yourself, then no growth is possible.

I consider myself pretty self aware. But self perception is SUCH a tricky thing.

I remember the first time I became aware of self perception. I was filling out an online dating application & you had to answer multiple choice questions about who you are & what your looking for in a partner. That’s when I realized the ‘game’ is rigged. There’s no way to accurately answer questions about yourself because most of the time you’re not truthful. Or at least you’re answering from your perspective which is skewed.

Almost everyone has a bunch of adjectives to describe themselves, I do. Some I’ve gotten from what other people tell me about myself & some of them are feelings, emotions inside me. If I’m honest with you, I don’t know which are accurate. After all, it’s all about perception.

I’d like to believe the majority of the things I know about myself are true, even the shitty stuff. No one’s perfect.

Written on the eve of Beltane… 🌛🌝🌜

Turn & face the strange…

OMG…did I tell you what happened…

I have so much going on lately, so many things around me changing. All welcomed changes. I’ve even managed to find a few silver linings in recent struggles. Over all, I’m in a good space right now. Of course it’s still early in the day lol

I just want to send gratitude out into the universe. I don’t always cooperate, but it always puts me exactly where I need to be.

It’s so very hard to see clearly through struggle isn’t it? But we always come out on the other side, hopefully better for it. Thank God.

I dislike change, I’ve always found comfort in routine & unfortunately my irrational fears have gotten worse with age. But I’m forcing myself to entertain ideas that scare the shit outta me because I refuse to have regrets. Next step, action.

I have to keep reminding myself, there’s one life, & even the mundane days are precious.

I’m also thankful Mercury comes out of retrograde & everything in motion gets completed without conditions.

Here’s to another Spring…

Written with a grateful heart even if it’s goin kickin & screamin…

Til death do us part…?

OMG…did I tell you what happened…

Since February is Valentine’s month (which I’ve always despised, with or without someone), I’ve been thinking about love & relationships.

Recently I was at a doctors office filling out paperwork & got to the relationship status box, & without thought I checked divorced. But when I stopped to think about it for a minute, I decided to start checking the single box from now on, because 2019 marks 20 years since my divorce.

I was 30 years old when I got married & honestly, I had no concept of ’til death do us part.’ I definitely had doubts before I got married, but I figured things would change after we were married & work themselves out. Of course going on 51 years old, I now know that never happens. If anything, it gets worse. And I thank God my ‘marriage’ was short & I do not regret for one second the outcome. Ya see, when we got to the point in our 2 year relationship where it was get married or break up, we shoulda broke up & that’s the honest truth.

Twenty years later I can admit that I got very caught up in the planning of everything & wasn’t truly conscious of the idea that we were planning to spend the rest of our lives together. Isn’t that crazy! When I think about it now, I could smack myself. Like wtfffffff…

We were so totally & completely incompatible.

I could definitely thank him for saving me from wasting God knows how many unhappy years. His methods sucked & he has no integrity but his nonsense saved me. Literally. That epifany took 20 years to truly surface. I am always grateful it ended, but I treasure time so much more now, I can finally appreciate the stroke of luck getting divorced was for me.

Whew! Dodged that bullet! At least with him it would’ve been ghastly, but I’m certainly not against co-existing with a sexy man.

Written with relief…

#grateful

The struggle is real…

OMG…did I tell you what happened…

It’s 7a Sunday morning, I’m laying in bed nursing a gallbladder attack & recently coming off of 2 diverticulitis attacks in a 2 month period. I would say I’ve spent about 8 months of 2018 literally sick to my stomach.

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with food. I can’t tell you how many binge diets I’ve been on in my lifetime.

Everything from poop tea, to the cabbage soup diet.

Food has always been there for me. Never let me down. But recently I’ve been betrayed. Food & my body have decided to rebel.

7 years ago I had lap band surgery. I found myself at the heavest I’ve ever been in my life & my quality of life, was crap. It was a huge decision for me to get bariatric surgery & took 2 full years to talk myself into it. With a total lifestyle change I managed to lose 70 lbs & pretty much keep it off, give or take 10 lbs.

It’s still a struggle for me because unlike a drug addict who can eliminate their drug of choice during the recovery process, I have to eat breakfast, lunch & dinner every single day. And there are just some days my emotions get the better of me & my drug of choice is food.

Now I find myself dealing with all these gut problems & the lifestyle change that helped me lose weight is negatively effecting my life. A lot of the yummy foods I’ve grown to love, are now irritating my constitution. I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating its been. I’m at my wits end.

As I prepare to have my gall bladder removed, I find myself yet again stuck in an internal battle with food. It’s beyond fustrating.

I wish there was some kind of support place to go to like weight watchers but not overeaters annoymous. Without the diet, just the support. Not on social media, but in real life. Where people could get together & help each other through sharing of experience, & knowledge. It’s such a struggle.

I’m leaving 2018 & all this illness behind me & looking forward to 2019 & a fresh new start.

As I’m into my second week of recovery, this is…

Written with hope & surrender…

a vecchi

OMG…did I tell you what happened…

I’ve said this before, if she’s lucky, a woman’s face will look the same until she’s about 38 years old. This was the case for me. From 38, I started noticing subtle changes to my face. I used to be able to run outta the house for errands with no make up, just lipstick & sunglasses. I still do, but when I catch a glimpse of myself I’m like who the fuck is that!

I’m also beginning to see changes in my body. Not to even get started on how it’s betraying me! Some parts aren’t in the same place they used to be, the absolute nerve.

Every so often, usually in Walgreens or Foodtown, I’ll get a sudden, overwhelming sensation that I.am.50.years.old. At first it’s confusing, like no fuckin way I’ve been alive for 50 years! Then it’s sadness for like a split second, & then it’s panic, like holy shit I’m 50 fuckin years old!

Grown ups are 50 years old, I’m not a grown up. I just graduated from high school yesterday, didn’t I?

I know the alternative is being dead, but sometimes that’s not comforting.

I took for granted those days of decent skin & no grey roots. Not to mention all that estrogen! Ugh!

My hormones are going ballistic & I basically wanna punch every person I come in contact with for annoying the shit outta me. I’ve shrunk an inch & my shoes went up a half size, like WTF!

This shit is the pits! No wonder why when I was a kid all my relatives this age were always aggrevated lol

#goldenyears

Written with TONS of frustration…

But what about MY feelings…

OMG…did I tell you what happened…

So, when social media first became a thing for me, I thought it was awesome. I reconnected with tons of people I hadn’t seen in decades. I absolutely LOVED the barrage of reunions sparked by this new phenomenon, even attended a few myself.

But now…..UGH

What a nightmare it’s become.

People arguing, troll profiles created just to stir the pot. Everybody is righteous & vicious at the same time, a difference of any kind, immediate punishment.

It makes me think. Isn’t punishing people for their full range of expression, especially opposing, just as offensive? I understand there’s rules but it’s just gone too far.

Remember the old school roasts? They were hilarious! I always loved the ‘below the belt’ jabs. That one person who was brave enough to say out loud what everyone else was thinking. Can’t do that today, someone will get offended. And I for one, find THAT offensive.

Written with irritation…

#babyitscoldoutside